blogging/friends/life/God/faith/love?/// LIFE.

Tonight, I am going to be writing about a lot. Not a poem in any sorts, just blogging/venting/talking to myself (I'm good at all three).
So uhh; I lost a good friend this week. Not to a death or anything tragic like that. Its kind of a funny story, really. But not one of those funny stories where you actually laugh out loud. Its like one of those funny stories where someone calls it a funny story.... but it's not actually funny.. at all. But anyways, I lost one of my friends because of the things she was saying about me. Usually when people talk negatively about me i dont care...at all. It just really starts to bug me when people talk about my faith and what I believe in (thats exactly what she did). I dont exactly understand how my relationship with our Father has anything to do with anyone else... but she took it among herself to tell multiple people her feelings of MY relationship with God and how it was FAKE. I guess that just hurt my feelings a lot and I don't want to have friends who think that poorly/bad of me.

"Useless people make evil plans, and their words are like a burning fire. A useless person causes trouble, and a gossip ruins friendship." Proverbs 16:27

So lately, Ive just been feeling really down about life, in general. I'm starting to realize that it's because Ive just been really lacking in my relationship with God. Today is the first time I have pulled out my bible and actually read it in... two weeks. Is it silly to say that I was afraid to open it again because of how long I havent?

Writing this post so far has put me in such a better mood about everything. I'm really seeing how I should be more optimistic instead of pesimistic... even if I'm upset!!!


"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears, so I will heal you." 2kings 20:5


There has been this thing bothering me lately; and I just can't get out of my head. I look on facebook and I see all over all these higschool couples and how "inlove" they are. Even after a week or two of just dating... theyre "inlove."
Am I abnormal or wierd to feel like relationships are a waste right now? yeah... sometimes I get lonely/jealous of my friends and their boyfriends but that is rarely. I just feel like sometimes something is wrong with me or I'm not a normal girl because I dont want a relationship with a boy like that. It just seems like if youre "inlove" you have to give up a lot of yourself to the other person.. I guess I'm not ready to do that yet.

"You wash the outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of things you got by cheating others and by pleasing only yourselves. You are blind! First make the inside of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can be truly clean." Mathew 23:25

talking mirror

Looking at herself in the mirror she asks, "who are you and what have you become?"
The mirror answers back;
"oh dear, the smile plastered on your face doesnt hide the fact that you think of yourself as a complete waste.
You are as beautiful as what you make yourself out to be,
but the fact that you dont think youre beautiful at all makes this hard for you to see.


Replaying what your critics say,tears climb out of your eyelids and make a dance upon your cheeks;
their harsh words flood your memory and youre crys come out in whispering shreaks.
Clean yourself up dear for noone can love a broken mess; hide the scars that you have and wipe up your tears,
go show everyone how brave you are and hide your biggest fears.
You cry and you scream and noone can hear you;
stop throwing fits because love, youre not two.


You are like the gum that has been stuck under the desk;
youre left there alone until you get in the way, then someone will scrape you up because noone wants something old to stay.
Go ahead, try to convince yourself that you mean something to someone but everyone else knows thats a lie,
did you honestly think that they would care if you were to die?

Stop thinking youre worth something because i promise, youre not."

Mirror mirror on the wall, youre the one that knows me, best of all.

banging, skeet, making love, sex, intercourse?

But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."I Corinthians 7:9

Sexxxxx.
Everyone knows what it is and a lot of them are doing it.
I guess i still dont understand it at all. Were in highschool, and i can guarantee you that 95 percent of the people youre "bestfriends" now you wont ever talk to after graduation.
I think that sex should be a sacred, secretive thing that a couple decides when theyre commited to eachother completely. Not when youre in highschool when most likely your boyfriend/girlfriend at the time wont even be in your life after highschool. Why give something so valuable to someone that you wont even remember in 20 years?
Now, i'm not trying to be a hypocrite or anything like that at all. At one point i thought that having sex while in highschool wasnt a big deal; that everyone was doing it and since everyone that was someone (popular) was doing it, than i should probably do it too. And i used to think it was so cool and it would make me popular if i was like all those other girls and boys.





The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." I Corinthians 7:3-5








I'm realizing that, thats not the case at all. i am so happy that im saving myself. Sex doesent just affect someone physically; sex comes with so many emotions and i just dont know.
Ive been told it feels really good and all that jazz, but i just dont think its worth it to do something so drastic at such a young age, ya know?

And plus God always factors in to this. His words and ways matter most to me then feeling "popular" and feeling "good" for a couple of hours.

I'm so cliche.

I thought i hurt you as much as you hurt me,
but i never noticed, i was too blind to see.
You used me to get power, youre like any other coward.

I used you for love, thats not anything i can deny,
but you took it to far, you started to lie.
You cut me down until i was what you wanted;
broken and useless.

Now everynight i dream of you,
your face haunts me, as our memories do too.
You promised me forever, yet you left me at nowhere.
"I promise i'll change, i swear."
is what you told me.
But i never noticed, i was to blind to see.

You only love me when i hate you,
thats when you come back, thats your cue.
You live in the grown up world but you just as childish as me
I never noticed, i was to blind to see

Were like the blind leading the blind,
you have a black heart, you can never be kind.
I'm the truth that you need,
you can follow, and i'll take the lead.

Galaxy Love

Lets race through the sky like the millions of airplanes that do when they’re way up high.
We’ll compete for each other’s heart since that’s what we’ve been doing since the start.
If we’re lucky we’ll never have to touch ground,
We’d never have to hear the evilness of this town; we could just lay still and listen to our heartbeats match; that’d be the best sound.
We’ll stay up high and make the clouds our home.


When I’m with you I shine brighter then the brightest star; oh we’ll race the sky tonight but baby don’t go far.
We’ll go to mars and dance with the aliens,
We’ll show them that our love could conquer it all, that we are each other’s high and we’ll never let each other fall.
Aliens would be jealous of our love; they’d think it’s like whoahh.
Baby please, never let me go.


So let’s race through the sky tonight and show everyone and everything that we are quite a sight.
You know that there are no other two hearts closer than ours
For our love comes down like meteor showers.



Hand in hand baby we’ll jump through the planets.
We’ll steal each other’s hearts; we can be our own bandits.
When people look up in the sky tonight, know that we are what they are wishing for,
We are their wishing star.

self portrait.

she is beautiful without a doubt; she is perfect, inside and out.
she carves a picture of herself,
her arm is her canvas. Her blood the paint. She is her own savior, she is a saint.
Her brown eyes; they sparkle and gleam as her skin and blood work as a team.

she is beautiful without a doubt; she is perfect, inside and out.
All the hate in her heart comes out to play, it forms a special kind of art.
the names shes been called spin around inside of her head,
holding hands to stay together; reuniting with all the times youve kicked her when shes been down.
they all form together, spinning around and around and around,
reminding her that you think of her no better then what you think of the ground.

she is beautiful without a doubt; she is perfect, inside and out.
Looking down at her arm, she sees her reflection.
Her arm is her mirror; she can see herself now, its never been clearer.
her tears trickle down, but shes stronger then this, she will not frown.
The reflection she sees; a girl so strong, a girl that belongs.

she is beautiful without a doubt, she is perfect, inside and out.
she carves and she slices; she cuts and she dices.
She is strong, powerful even;
she is the only thing that she will ever believe in.
She has her faith writtin into her arm.
Dont worry, dont be alarmed.

Just remember, she is beautiful without a doubt.
She is perfect, inside and out.

nameless.

you tell people ive ruined your life, but clearly youve never felt skin tear against a knife.
you say your harsh words thinking it'll affect me,
but your just another hater on a shit-talking spree.
you knew this was gonna come, sorry; but i think of you as scum.
yeah we've had our ups and downs, but anything that comes out of your mouth anymore are just wasteless sounds
trying to give me more and more wounds.
i gave you all that i had, and you threw it away just to make me mad.
all this time youve been putting me down, making me sad, thinking your so cool, so damn rad.
But let me tell you theres nothing rad about child molestation, or how your little five year old is your fixation.




This is our last goodbye, this is what cuts the tie, thats held us together for so long.
i hate you with all that i got, i wish youd just get shot.
i hope your happy, i really do,
especially since the most mature you act is the age of two.
you down everything in my life, and you wonder why i always go back to get a knife.
i loved you even though it was forbidden,and while you were the center of my life, in yours you kept me hidden.
you kick me when i'm down. Youre the reason for everytime i frown.
everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie, all i can ask is, why?
your words used to hurt me as if ive stepped on broken glass,
but you never saw that because your to busy on all fours; getting it up the ass.
this is it, this is the end.
youve broken me to much, its nothing that noone can mend.

Trapped.

He put his bars around her, now she's trapped as can be.
He says she's not his, but when it comes down to it, he never lets her free.
He broke her down until there was nothing more of her.
Used and abused is what he keeps her aound for.
She's broken all over, knowing her luck with him is as good as a four leaf clover. It's just a leaf, it has no luck. Its just a myth.



Her loving him comes easy. Easy as a hot June day when its nice and breezy.
He doesent know when to say enough is enough. Just being with her feels so easy.
She is everything thats bad for him, she is his biggest sin.
Noone wants them to be together, including him,
but there's something about her that keeps him hanging on, he doesent even know where to begin.
He is the shine in her eyes, the truth to all of her lies.
She is the dark to his nights, and the start of all of his fights.
She is the problem, he is the answer.
He can bring her down, so down as if hes cancer.
She is his book, he opens her up whenever he wants to take a look.
Every insecurity, every vulnerabilty she has, washes away when he tells her that he's there to stay.
She is his, but he's not hers. He is everything that is a lie,
so why can he get her so high, that it feels like she can fly?
He is the break to her heart, the scars to her body.
He is the tears that pour out of her eyes, He is her number one prize.
She is his play toy, the decision he made that turned him into a man from a little boy.
She is the floor he walks on. He is the king, and she is the pawn.
She is the easiness to him, especially when she touches his body from limb to limb.
She is the shakiness of his voice, she is and will always be, the wrong choice.

Virginity.

So, i've been thinking about this all day; and having sex, i dont think its that big of a deal. people do it all the time. But losing your virginity, i think thats a big deal. I think it is because its like, a once in a life time thing, you just cant take it back if you make a mistake. I think waiting for the right person is a good idea. me and my brother were talking about how his roomate had a fiance at one point, and they lost their virginitys to eachother and they were eachothers everythings at one point. thats what i want; i want to be someones everything and i feel like at the age of fifteen, im not going to get that. Im okay with waiting. Theres a lot of rumors going around about me that i'm a whore, and a slut, and a hoe; but i'm not. Just to clarify it. I'm still a virgin. No penis has ever been inside of my vagina and i'm going to keep it that way for quite awhile.

poemmmm.

We've been bestfriend's since i remember, and that the age of two,
I remember last summer when i found you breathless and all blue.
your scars they tell a story, only me and you can read.
you seem like youre the weakest, but really;
you always take the lead.

When people look at you, their opinions are so blind.
Noone ever tells you, but youre one of a kind.
were so alike, yet so different.
were younger sis and older bro,
you should know; your the thunder in the rain.
and the quake of the earth.
i promise you; your a lot more then everyone says youre worth.

youre the strongest person i know, theres no reason to keep that on the down low.
i know i love you as much as you love me,
i know this because you gave me the key. The key to your heart,
that promises me, we'll never be apart.
all we ever needed was a fresh new start, especially to cover up your shooting up marks.
There was a time when we pretended that drugs didnt seem to matter,
but that never worked for you kept falling off of the ladder.
But now youre back on it , and youre there to stay,
because i'd lose the best part of me if you let drugs take you away.
you're the strongest person i know, i didnt really know if you knew.
This is a thank you, for all the times since i've been two.

Cheating.

It's really early in the morning right now and i can't go to sleep, theres a lot on my mind. You know, i just feel like people in relationships need to be 110 percent faithful, or they SHOULDENT be in a relationship. I find it really hard to believe that a person can be "inlove" with someone when they go and cheat on them. And its like, cheating doesent just happen, its talk about and planned out. Two people just dont go and decide to jump eachothers bones randomly.
I'm just saying, like
grow the fuck up.