So, hmm. This topic has been on my heart awhile but I never knew what exactly to say until I went to church on a nice Sunday and God used Jeremy Morris to speak right to my heart.
Self image is extremely crucial for most people, whether they know that or not. People care about what they look like. They care about if their hair looks a certain way, if their clothes are what's in right now, and if they are up on the latest trends. A lot of you reading this might say to yourself "no way, I don't do that." But, do you have a feather in your hair? do you wear makeup? do you straighten or curl your hair? have you dyed your hair before?
Just even little things like that to change your appearance show that you care about what you look like.
I know, for me, when I change the way I look, it's because of the nagging insecurities inside of me that scream "YOUREUGLY" . I know when I put on makeup, I regret it the moment I leave home and people start to stare at me.
For me, being insecure about how I look has always been an issue. I've always compared myself to my older brothers. They have eyelashes that go on for miles. They have the perfect shade of brown for their eyes. They have naturally dark hair and they were blessed with perfect smiles and teeth that never needed braces.
I might compare myself to every other girl I see, and only see beauty in them.
Galations 6:4 says, "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that... Don't compare yourself with others."
That's the first thing I was doing wrong!
but, after so much comparing and over analyzing and doubt I just always come up with the same conclusions;
- i'm not good enough
- i'm disgusting
- i'm worthless
- i'm nothing
- i'm not pretty
- why them and not me
things like that, you know?
But on Sunday at church Jeremy said something that just really stuck to me. Everyone is created in God's image, in His design. He created us all the way we are for a specific purpose that only He knows. While I am so busy insulting myself I have never taken the time to realize that I'm really insulting God. I'm insulting him in so many ways.
I am a sheer image of God and the only thing I can say about myself is all of those harsh, over dramatic, stupid, insults? Every time I say something negative about myself I'm telling God that His image of me isn't good enough, that I don't like it and He didn't do a good enough job making me. WOAH. That sounds like I am doubting the God who can move mountains and make the sun stand still.
Romans 12:6 says, "We have different gifts based on the grace that was given to us. So if your gift is prophecy, use your gift in proportion to your faith"
Everyone is given a different grace, and everyone has a different calling in life so comparing yourself to someone else will get you nowhere in life except feeling like crap about yourself.
And as for being insecure,
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
God doesn't give us the feeling of fear, or the ability to doubt, or the way we get insecure. God is perfect love, so if we are truly living for Him there is no reason to have these fears and these doubts and insecurties about yourself since he casts them out. We are so beautiful to God and sometimes that is really hard for me to grasp; I think it's really hard for a lot of us to grasp and fully understand how much He loves us and adores us and thinks we are beautiful. But, Ephesians 2:10 says
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." He took the time to make us, and to carve us the way He wants. He knows our hearts, our thoughts, our mind, and the way we look on the outisde. We will never be ugly to Him. We will forever be His number one prize, the apple of His eye. So wipe away those insecurities, those thoughts that make you doubt yourself. Get rid of those fears and just remember that God has made you the way you are for a reason. That He is the King of kings, and you are his prince or princess. That there is no doubt in the world that you are beyond beautiful, it's okay to love yourself. It's okay to show the world God's beautiful creation. Don't hide yourself in your insecurties! Flaunt what God has made of you!!
<3 <3
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
"You wrestle with the sinners restless heart"
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2
No one likes to be judged, no one likes to be made fun of, and no one likes to be talked about negatively, yet most of our society today always has something negative to say about someone else, always judging, always pointing the finger at someone.
We are brought up in a world that does not live by the word of God. We see magazines telling us about a celebrity's scandal, exagerating the truth, and even saying negative feedback about them just to sell the magazines. We see television shows... the ones like "the soup" and comedy shows who focus mainly on judging people and making fun of them, whether it's for their race, their sexuality, or for something they have done in the past. What gives people the right to do that?
What makes it okay?
Not only does this happen on tv shows, and in magazines, but it happens in every day life.
Is it because some get people paid, because people laugh at their jokes, because it makes them feel accepted, what is it that makes them think that it is okay to be judgemental?
If you think about it, the act of judging is a form of pride because ultimatly it is saying to God that you think you are better then others and, like it says in James 4:6, "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."
Because God opposes the proud so much, why would you want to judge anyone? why would you want to make Him angry or upset over something that you can control?
Hebrews 12:14-15 says, "Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will ever see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
Judging people is not living in peace and staying holy to the Lord.
Bitterness is like envy and jealousy, and James 3:14-16 says,
"But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from Heaven but is earthly, unspirtual, demonic. For where you have envy and self ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."
Why would you want to have earthly feelings such as bitterness or envy or jealousy?
Why wouldn't you want to live like 1Corinthians 13:4-7 where "Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
You cannot love like Jesus does and walk in the light if you are constantly judging others, being envious of them, being prideful!
No one likes to be judged, no one likes to be made fun of, and no one likes to be talked about negatively, yet most of our society today always has something negative to say about someone else, always judging, always pointing the finger at someone.
We are brought up in a world that does not live by the word of God. We see magazines telling us about a celebrity's scandal, exagerating the truth, and even saying negative feedback about them just to sell the magazines. We see television shows... the ones like "the soup" and comedy shows who focus mainly on judging people and making fun of them, whether it's for their race, their sexuality, or for something they have done in the past. What gives people the right to do that?
What makes it okay?
Not only does this happen on tv shows, and in magazines, but it happens in every day life.
Is it because some get people paid, because people laugh at their jokes, because it makes them feel accepted, what is it that makes them think that it is okay to be judgemental?
If you think about it, the act of judging is a form of pride because ultimatly it is saying to God that you think you are better then others and, like it says in James 4:6, "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."
Because God opposes the proud so much, why would you want to judge anyone? why would you want to make Him angry or upset over something that you can control?
Hebrews 12:14-15 says, "Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will ever see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
Judging people is not living in peace and staying holy to the Lord.
Bitterness is like envy and jealousy, and James 3:14-16 says,
"But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from Heaven but is earthly, unspirtual, demonic. For where you have envy and self ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."
Why would you want to have earthly feelings such as bitterness or envy or jealousy?
Why wouldn't you want to live like 1Corinthians 13:4-7 where "Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
You cannot love like Jesus does and walk in the light if you are constantly judging others, being envious of them, being prideful!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Who are you living for?
yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo!
God has been putting this on my heart to write about so... here it is guys,
If we are living for God, we are NOT living for the world.
I don't really think everyone knows what this mean, you know? Just because we're taught it at En Fuego doesn't mean that everyone else is taught it.
Men and women of Christ! Just because you go to church, doesnt make you a Christian... Just like sitting in a garage doesn't make you a car and standing in a cornfield doesn't make you a cornstalk.
1 peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."
guyz, we are stinking CHOSEN by Him to live for Him!! We were chosen to live in His light. God has big expectations for us and one of them is to not live like the rest of the world. Christians are supposed to be different from the rest of the world and to stand out because we are filled with Him and desire Him and not the world.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will."
DO NOT CONFORM TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD!!!!.
When I first became a Christian, I thought all I had to do was go to church and tell everyone I love God, and that would be enough. But I soon learned that it's not enough. Not even close. I have lost all of my "bestfriends" that aren't saved. Not because I don't hangout with people who don't love Jesus, because I do, but because I don't have a strong, stable ground yet. If i'm around people that are partying or gossiping or doing something they aren't supposed to be, odds are i'm going to be doing it with them. I don't need that junk, and neither do you!
"you are who you hangout with"
If you can't give up your friends to have a better relationship with our everlasting Father, then who are you really living for?
Christians, we were made to be role models and some of us.. aren't doing such a hot job at it. How are you going to tell people about the Gospel when you're not even living by it?
The way you act, and talk, and the things you do, really does affect the people around you.
If you're cussing all the time and partying and having sex before you are married, who are you living for, the world or for God?
If you're filling your ears with crap like eminem and lilwayne and secular music and anything that isn't prasing Him, who are you living for, the world or for God?
especially if you are posting this crap on facebook or twitter or something like that, what are new Christians, or non Christians going to think about Christianity? What are you teaching the people you're friends with. Gods word, or the worlds word?
If you are gossiping who are you living for?
If you put your girlfriend/boyfriend before anything else, even your relationship with God, who are you living for?
IF YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP OR CARE ABOUT GOD, who the heck are you living for?
if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a relationship with God, or who is more immature spiritually then you, then you will never be able to grow in your relationship with Him, you will always be held back and stuck on their level.
Who are you living for?
If you jump from relationship to relationship and just keep seeking yourself in other people, what is that doing to your relationship with God?
this blog is not very good and it jumps all over the place, but this stuff had to be put out on the table.
It's time to start living for Him and not for the world.
It's time to be a role model. Crack open the bible and learn how to be one.
God has been putting this on my heart to write about so... here it is guys,
If we are living for God, we are NOT living for the world.
I don't really think everyone knows what this mean, you know? Just because we're taught it at En Fuego doesn't mean that everyone else is taught it.
Men and women of Christ! Just because you go to church, doesnt make you a Christian... Just like sitting in a garage doesn't make you a car and standing in a cornfield doesn't make you a cornstalk.
1 peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."
guyz, we are stinking CHOSEN by Him to live for Him!! We were chosen to live in His light. God has big expectations for us and one of them is to not live like the rest of the world. Christians are supposed to be different from the rest of the world and to stand out because we are filled with Him and desire Him and not the world.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will."
DO NOT CONFORM TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD!!!!.
When I first became a Christian, I thought all I had to do was go to church and tell everyone I love God, and that would be enough. But I soon learned that it's not enough. Not even close. I have lost all of my "bestfriends" that aren't saved. Not because I don't hangout with people who don't love Jesus, because I do, but because I don't have a strong, stable ground yet. If i'm around people that are partying or gossiping or doing something they aren't supposed to be, odds are i'm going to be doing it with them. I don't need that junk, and neither do you!
"you are who you hangout with"
If you can't give up your friends to have a better relationship with our everlasting Father, then who are you really living for?
Christians, we were made to be role models and some of us.. aren't doing such a hot job at it. How are you going to tell people about the Gospel when you're not even living by it?
The way you act, and talk, and the things you do, really does affect the people around you.
If you're cussing all the time and partying and having sex before you are married, who are you living for, the world or for God?
If you're filling your ears with crap like eminem and lilwayne and secular music and anything that isn't prasing Him, who are you living for, the world or for God?
especially if you are posting this crap on facebook or twitter or something like that, what are new Christians, or non Christians going to think about Christianity? What are you teaching the people you're friends with. Gods word, or the worlds word?
If you are gossiping who are you living for?
If you put your girlfriend/boyfriend before anything else, even your relationship with God, who are you living for?
IF YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP OR CARE ABOUT GOD, who the heck are you living for?
if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a relationship with God, or who is more immature spiritually then you, then you will never be able to grow in your relationship with Him, you will always be held back and stuck on their level.
Who are you living for?
If you jump from relationship to relationship and just keep seeking yourself in other people, what is that doing to your relationship with God?
this blog is not very good and it jumps all over the place, but this stuff had to be put out on the table.
It's time to start living for Him and not for the world.
It's time to be a role model. Crack open the bible and learn how to be one.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Because He was and is, and is to come
Today is one of those days when I'm sitting on my porch looking out into the wilderness and noticing all of it's beauty. The way the dark black, deep red hummingbird sneaks along the flowers, trying to drink it's sweet nectar without getting caught by us humans. I notice all of the bugs, and remember from todays service that an ant can carry 50 times its weight. This thought makes me go examine a leaf covered with ants, and even though I hate bugs.... I start to admire those ants, and realize that they can do things that I'll probably never be able to do in my lifetime.
Why have I never noticed these things before? Why have I never thanked God for black and red hummingbirds or the wilderness or the flowers that are so perfectly beautiful when they blossom or the ants that will always be stronger then me?
I've never taken the time to look at something and notice how truly beautiful it is; not because of how it looks, but because God has created it.
The way the clouds float in the sky, the way the sunshine beams through them and lights up our world. Why have I never noticed this?
I realize now that my senses to beauty have been nonexistent since I've became a Christian. Jeremy Morris said if you practice and do and read something enough that it just becomes you, that you don't have to try to be it. I'm realizing just how true that is.
This summer I have done a drastic and life changing thing. I have, unawarely, stopped being friends with all of my "bestfriends." Do I get sad about this? Of course I do. I love those girls with everything inside of me. But, and of course there's a but to this, I don't think I would of gotten to realize all of these beautiful things in this beautiful world if they were still my bestfriends. I would of been held back. They are wonderful girls, but it's time for a new season.
Staying with them would make me miss out on the chance to realize that yes, Jake McCullough is attractive, but it's because of his big, kind, heart. It's because God has blessed him with a smile that can light up a room and a sense of humor that is unforgetable. Not because of what he wears, or how wonderful he sings.
I would of missed the chance to meet my new bestfriend, Sierra Frasier. Sierra, in other words, is the sunshine to my life on cloudy days. She has shaped me and changed my life so drastically for the good that I don't even know how to thank her. She is the most beautiful person I have ever met and God has blessed me so greatly with putting her into my life.
Maybe this is a love letter to God, maybe it's a love letter to beauty, or a love letter to my friends. The only thing I know for sure is that while I'm writing this I have so much love in my heart that I know it is, indeed, some type of love letter.
If it wasn't for my great friend Tevin Monroe, I would of never came to enfuego. I would of never got to meet Hayden and hear him talk. Hayden, the 21 year old pastor we have, can bring me to tears instantly with his words. Not because he speaks words of anger and hatrid, but because when he talks, he talks so deeply inlove to us that I can feel it. That this 21 year old man hasn't even been our pastor for a year and he's so deeply inplanted into my heart.
Tevin Monroe, you have changed my life for good. God has used you to save me and I just want to tell you, you did a beautiful job doing it. You are my bestfriend, my confidant, the one person I can tell anything to and not be judged or yelled at. I love you, so incredibly much.
If it wasn't for nicholas eaton, i would of never experienced my first heartbreak. I would of never known what those butterflies in my tummy felt like. I would of never been kissed on the forhead. I would of never hit rock bottom, or felt so naturally high. Nick, someday I hope we can be real friends, someday I hope you get that you're still this important to me. Not because i'm madly "inlove" and obsessed with you, but because you've helped make the person who I am today. Because you were the first boy to call me beautiful, and the only boy who I thought was worth losing everything over.
I thank God every single day for letting me meet you. If not, who would I be today?
I love the way peter morris sends shivers down my back whenever he sings, or whenever he gets so into talking during bible study. The first day I saw peter I thought to myself "wow, he's so dreamy, I wish I could be friends with him because he's so popular" LOOK AT ME NOW!!! haha, just kidding. Really, that was a joke. But, hey peter morris, you are so freaking amazing. I hope we stay friends, and become closer, because you are a true man of God my friend.
Walter Wawra. Matt Willsea. Do I need to say anything more? the most humble, great, two men in Christ I have ever met. Whenever I get around these two, I get so nervous and giddy and giggly that I can't contain myself. Not because I have a crush on them, even though... they are adorable; but, because they are so spirtually mature that I can physically feel their love for God in my body when I'm around them. I hope I stay friends with you two for a very long long time. <3
and.... enfuego. My home away from my home. Being in this place for two weeks straight made me find my real identity in God. It has also made me feel beautiful, for the first time in my life I believe my enfuego family's compliments to me. OH. enfuego family..... the first family I have ever actually had.
to my family. thank you so much for lifting me up when i'm down, for being sunshine on cloudy days, showing me love uncondtionally even when i get unruly, and believing i'm beautiful when i don't even believe in myself.
Why have I never noticed these things before? Why have I never thanked God for black and red hummingbirds or the wilderness or the flowers that are so perfectly beautiful when they blossom or the ants that will always be stronger then me?
I've never taken the time to look at something and notice how truly beautiful it is; not because of how it looks, but because God has created it.
The way the clouds float in the sky, the way the sunshine beams through them and lights up our world. Why have I never noticed this?
I realize now that my senses to beauty have been nonexistent since I've became a Christian. Jeremy Morris said if you practice and do and read something enough that it just becomes you, that you don't have to try to be it. I'm realizing just how true that is.
This summer I have done a drastic and life changing thing. I have, unawarely, stopped being friends with all of my "bestfriends." Do I get sad about this? Of course I do. I love those girls with everything inside of me. But, and of course there's a but to this, I don't think I would of gotten to realize all of these beautiful things in this beautiful world if they were still my bestfriends. I would of been held back. They are wonderful girls, but it's time for a new season.
Staying with them would make me miss out on the chance to realize that yes, Jake McCullough is attractive, but it's because of his big, kind, heart. It's because God has blessed him with a smile that can light up a room and a sense of humor that is unforgetable. Not because of what he wears, or how wonderful he sings.
I would of missed the chance to meet my new bestfriend, Sierra Frasier. Sierra, in other words, is the sunshine to my life on cloudy days. She has shaped me and changed my life so drastically for the good that I don't even know how to thank her. She is the most beautiful person I have ever met and God has blessed me so greatly with putting her into my life.
Maybe this is a love letter to God, maybe it's a love letter to beauty, or a love letter to my friends. The only thing I know for sure is that while I'm writing this I have so much love in my heart that I know it is, indeed, some type of love letter.
If it wasn't for my great friend Tevin Monroe, I would of never came to enfuego. I would of never got to meet Hayden and hear him talk. Hayden, the 21 year old pastor we have, can bring me to tears instantly with his words. Not because he speaks words of anger and hatrid, but because when he talks, he talks so deeply inlove to us that I can feel it. That this 21 year old man hasn't even been our pastor for a year and he's so deeply inplanted into my heart.
Tevin Monroe, you have changed my life for good. God has used you to save me and I just want to tell you, you did a beautiful job doing it. You are my bestfriend, my confidant, the one person I can tell anything to and not be judged or yelled at. I love you, so incredibly much.
If it wasn't for nicholas eaton, i would of never experienced my first heartbreak. I would of never known what those butterflies in my tummy felt like. I would of never been kissed on the forhead. I would of never hit rock bottom, or felt so naturally high. Nick, someday I hope we can be real friends, someday I hope you get that you're still this important to me. Not because i'm madly "inlove" and obsessed with you, but because you've helped make the person who I am today. Because you were the first boy to call me beautiful, and the only boy who I thought was worth losing everything over.
I thank God every single day for letting me meet you. If not, who would I be today?
I love the way peter morris sends shivers down my back whenever he sings, or whenever he gets so into talking during bible study. The first day I saw peter I thought to myself "wow, he's so dreamy, I wish I could be friends with him because he's so popular" LOOK AT ME NOW!!! haha, just kidding. Really, that was a joke. But, hey peter morris, you are so freaking amazing. I hope we stay friends, and become closer, because you are a true man of God my friend.
Walter Wawra. Matt Willsea. Do I need to say anything more? the most humble, great, two men in Christ I have ever met. Whenever I get around these two, I get so nervous and giddy and giggly that I can't contain myself. Not because I have a crush on them, even though... they are adorable; but, because they are so spirtually mature that I can physically feel their love for God in my body when I'm around them. I hope I stay friends with you two for a very long long time. <3
and.... enfuego. My home away from my home. Being in this place for two weeks straight made me find my real identity in God. It has also made me feel beautiful, for the first time in my life I believe my enfuego family's compliments to me. OH. enfuego family..... the first family I have ever actually had.
to my family. thank you so much for lifting me up when i'm down, for being sunshine on cloudy days, showing me love uncondtionally even when i get unruly, and believing i'm beautiful when i don't even believe in myself.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I'll be your shooting star if you be my night sky
you used to know the exact way my heart would beat,
the story it would tell, you used to make it complete.
you were my other half, the only one that could truly make me laugh.
you probably put the blame on me now,
but you should know,
i'll always be your shooting star if you be my night sky.
I'm just living for the Truth and not for a lie,
so know that i'm not gone, and i didn't leave,
i'm still the same ol' me, still wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I used to be your bestfriend
the person who would never break your heart, the person who was always there from the very start.
i'll be your shooting star if you be my night sky.
I ask myself all the time, why?
why arent we inseperable anymore?
why is it when i'm talking to you it's like talking to a door?
why did you kick me out of your heart,
when I was the only one that never left you, why did we part?
i'll be your shooting star if you be my night sky.
this poem could go on forever,
but just know,
I miss you, bestfriend.
the story it would tell, you used to make it complete.
you were my other half, the only one that could truly make me laugh.
you probably put the blame on me now,
but you should know,
i'll always be your shooting star if you be my night sky.
I'm just living for the Truth and not for a lie,
so know that i'm not gone, and i didn't leave,
i'm still the same ol' me, still wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I used to be your bestfriend
the person who would never break your heart, the person who was always there from the very start.
i'll be your shooting star if you be my night sky.
I ask myself all the time, why?
why arent we inseperable anymore?
why is it when i'm talking to you it's like talking to a door?
why did you kick me out of your heart,
when I was the only one that never left you, why did we part?
i'll be your shooting star if you be my night sky.
this poem could go on forever,
but just know,
I miss you, bestfriend.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
What does it all mean?
For the past week I have been thinking a lot about what everything and anything means.
There's so much going on in my life and sometimes I forget to take a step back and just breathe.
During bible study last night, the leader told us to write down these questions;
"Who do you want to be?"
"How are you going to get there?"
"What will it cost you?"
Who do I want to be?
Man, this question is constantly on my mind, ALL of the time.
I used to want to be this really beautiful, attractive, girl. I used to obsess over my looks and how I acted around certain people. I wanted to be popular, I wanted boys to think I'm pretty, I wanted them to want me. I wanted to be accepted.
But, I've realized over the last year that, I don't need other people's acceptance.
I have God's acceptance. He loves me for who I am, and that is ultimately the best thing that I could ever ask for.
I want to live my life, out loud for Christ.
I want to be a leader, I want to be a good, strong Christian that people come to for advice.
I want to be different. I want people to be able to tell I have the Spirit with me at all times!
I want to be independent. I want to not have to be able to rely on anyone except Christ Himself.
How am I going to get there and what is it going to cost me?
It's going to cost me, well; most of my friends.
I'm going to have to change my attitude. I'm going to have to work for it. I'm going to have to discipline myself.
And i'm okay with all of this. I want to change so I can be the very best Ashley I can be.
I just can't wait for my story to unfold, for it to be written out. I can't wait to be the person I want to be.
"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts." 2Corinthians 3:2
There's so much going on in my life and sometimes I forget to take a step back and just breathe.
During bible study last night, the leader told us to write down these questions;
"Who do you want to be?"
"How are you going to get there?"
"What will it cost you?"
Who do I want to be?
Man, this question is constantly on my mind, ALL of the time.
I used to want to be this really beautiful, attractive, girl. I used to obsess over my looks and how I acted around certain people. I wanted to be popular, I wanted boys to think I'm pretty, I wanted them to want me. I wanted to be accepted.
But, I've realized over the last year that, I don't need other people's acceptance.
I have God's acceptance. He loves me for who I am, and that is ultimately the best thing that I could ever ask for.
I want to live my life, out loud for Christ.
I want to be a leader, I want to be a good, strong Christian that people come to for advice.
I want to be different. I want people to be able to tell I have the Spirit with me at all times!
I want to be independent. I want to not have to be able to rely on anyone except Christ Himself.
How am I going to get there and what is it going to cost me?
It's going to cost me, well; most of my friends.
I'm going to have to change my attitude. I'm going to have to work for it. I'm going to have to discipline myself.
And i'm okay with all of this. I want to change so I can be the very best Ashley I can be.
I just can't wait for my story to unfold, for it to be written out. I can't wait to be the person I want to be.
"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts." 2Corinthians 3:2
Thursday, April 21, 2011
My selfish heart beats for You.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about life.
Just life in general and the whole meaning of it, ya know?
God's word says;
"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments,for this is the duty of all mankind.For God will bring every deed into judgment,including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." Ecclesiates 12:13
Now, this verse talks about "fearing" God, but the word "fear" in the Bible doesnt mean to be scared of, or to be afraid, it means to respect.
We were all made for the same purpose; to live for God and spread his word. Even I forget that sometimes though. We are all so selfish. Which isnt necessarily a bad thing, but its not a good thing either.
Ah, to be totally honest I've been selfish a lot lately. Like, I am so excited for my future with God, for me to just grow spiritually and getting to know Him better.
But then, I'm SO nervous and scared to grow up too.
I have so many what if's that run through my mind each day:
what if;
-i dont get my liscense soon
-my bestfriends (Danielle/Jacki) stops wanting to be friends someday
-the boy I want to fall inlove with after highschool doesnt want that too
-i make someone so mad they wanna beat me up
-my brother stevie never comes home
these are just the most common "what ifs," but trust me, there are a ton more.
And I know that these thoughts are in my head because well... I'm human, and I'm selfish and I dont put God first always.
The other day in youthgroup the discussion was about "what are your strings attached to?"
That question has been on my mind a lot lately.
What are my strings attached to?
At first, my response was God. GodGodGodGod. Thats what theyre attached to.
but really, He's not the only thing theyre attached to, and I'm just so happy I can realize that now and change and make sure that I really am living for Him, and not for myself.
That may take sacrifices and losts, even hard times and heart breaks.
But I'd rather have the strongest relationship I can have with God then just think I'm content with my selfish ways.
I dont know who I'm supposed to be with when I'm older, or who my friends will be. I don't know where I'll live or what college I'm going to; but I do know God will be first in my life, and my strings will be attached to Him and only Him.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
(:
ps. sorry if this doesnt make sense! Just my random thoughts(:
Just life in general and the whole meaning of it, ya know?
God's word says;
"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments,for this is the duty of all mankind.For God will bring every deed into judgment,including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." Ecclesiates 12:13
Now, this verse talks about "fearing" God, but the word "fear" in the Bible doesnt mean to be scared of, or to be afraid, it means to respect.
We were all made for the same purpose; to live for God and spread his word. Even I forget that sometimes though. We are all so selfish. Which isnt necessarily a bad thing, but its not a good thing either.
Ah, to be totally honest I've been selfish a lot lately. Like, I am so excited for my future with God, for me to just grow spiritually and getting to know Him better.
But then, I'm SO nervous and scared to grow up too.
I have so many what if's that run through my mind each day:
what if;
-i dont get my liscense soon
-my bestfriends (Danielle/Jacki) stops wanting to be friends someday
-the boy I want to fall inlove with after highschool doesnt want that too
-i make someone so mad they wanna beat me up
-my brother stevie never comes home
these are just the most common "what ifs," but trust me, there are a ton more.
And I know that these thoughts are in my head because well... I'm human, and I'm selfish and I dont put God first always.
The other day in youthgroup the discussion was about "what are your strings attached to?"
That question has been on my mind a lot lately.
What are my strings attached to?
At first, my response was God. GodGodGodGod. Thats what theyre attached to.
but really, He's not the only thing theyre attached to, and I'm just so happy I can realize that now and change and make sure that I really am living for Him, and not for myself.
That may take sacrifices and losts, even hard times and heart breaks.
But I'd rather have the strongest relationship I can have with God then just think I'm content with my selfish ways.
I dont know who I'm supposed to be with when I'm older, or who my friends will be. I don't know where I'll live or what college I'm going to; but I do know God will be first in my life, and my strings will be attached to Him and only Him.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
(:
ps. sorry if this doesnt make sense! Just my random thoughts(:
Thursday, March 31, 2011
poem?
Whenever eleven:eleven comes around you're the thing I always wish for,
but since you're always so far away, and I know even if I beg you'd never stay,
I keep our memories buried deep underneath the scars that remind me of you every day.
You're like a ghost that will always want to haunt me,
you make sure to make your presence is known so I'll never be set free.
But now it's like we've switched roles,
coz while your out there playin' Capser the Friendly Ghost,
I'm out here worshipping the One that I know loves me most.
You're there worshipping your god,
aka having sex because you think your "inlove" and you like the feeling of her bod.
But I'm here worshipping my God,
the Creator of all, my Wonderwall.
See how our roles switch,
I used to be the one worshipping something thats not real just so that I could deal,
a something like you, something that could make me feel.
You would be the one always trying to tell me a Bible story,
always giving God all the glory.
But I was so wrong then, now the only way your "love" comes is when its rapped in a
glove.
All I can do is pray for you,
and hopefully you can finally stop acting like your two
and realize just because you two play with eachother,
doesnt mean that shes barbie and your ken.
but since you're always so far away, and I know even if I beg you'd never stay,
I keep our memories buried deep underneath the scars that remind me of you every day.
You're like a ghost that will always want to haunt me,
you make sure to make your presence is known so I'll never be set free.
But now it's like we've switched roles,
coz while your out there playin' Capser the Friendly Ghost,
I'm out here worshipping the One that I know loves me most.
You're there worshipping your god,
aka having sex because you think your "inlove" and you like the feeling of her bod.
But I'm here worshipping my God,
the Creator of all, my Wonderwall.
See how our roles switch,
I used to be the one worshipping something thats not real just so that I could deal,
a something like you, something that could make me feel.
You would be the one always trying to tell me a Bible story,
always giving God all the glory.
But I was so wrong then, now the only way your "love" comes is when its rapped in a
glove.
All I can do is pray for you,
and hopefully you can finally stop acting like your two
and realize just because you two play with eachother,
doesnt mean that shes barbie and your ken.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"I believe I believe!"
its 946 right now, my first night after Encounter!
for all of you who don't know what that is, its a church event that lasts three nights.
it is.... indescribable. I swear, whenever i hear PJ talk, it like being in a totally different world. That man has changed my life so much and the funny thing is, i dont know who he is; and he doesnt know who i am.
He is a real soldier of Christ, Thankyou PJ.!
Anywhoo,
I was sitting in church tonight and PJ was talking all about things we keep in our heart of hearts, and he brought up how some people keep their boyfriends/girlfriends their before anyone because they are so insecure about themselves that they always need someone.
As im writing this its like the words are magically flowing above the keyboard, like I dont have to really think and write this right now, haha okay done with the random thought.
but as he was talking about that it got me to thinking about relationships and about boys and ive came to the conclusion to me that;
men who dont live for Christ, are just.... unnatractive.
And i dont mean ugly, because i know that there are a lot of good looking men out there who havent found Christ yet.
But, I dont think i'd ever like to have a relationship with someone who doesnt live for Him. I dont really know why i feel this way,
i'm just put off by that now, hahaha.
another topic.... one of my good friends was going to go to Encounter tonight and she ended up telling me at the end of the school day "I dont think i'm going to go to Encounter, it'll take up to much of my weekend."
I dont think i've ever been that sad for one of my friends before. Shes missing out big time.
I love all of you! :)
for all of you who don't know what that is, its a church event that lasts three nights.
it is.... indescribable. I swear, whenever i hear PJ talk, it like being in a totally different world. That man has changed my life so much and the funny thing is, i dont know who he is; and he doesnt know who i am.
He is a real soldier of Christ, Thankyou PJ.!
Anywhoo,
I was sitting in church tonight and PJ was talking all about things we keep in our heart of hearts, and he brought up how some people keep their boyfriends/girlfriends their before anyone because they are so insecure about themselves that they always need someone.
As im writing this its like the words are magically flowing above the keyboard, like I dont have to really think and write this right now, haha okay done with the random thought.
but as he was talking about that it got me to thinking about relationships and about boys and ive came to the conclusion to me that;
men who dont live for Christ, are just.... unnatractive.
And i dont mean ugly, because i know that there are a lot of good looking men out there who havent found Christ yet.
But, I dont think i'd ever like to have a relationship with someone who doesnt live for Him. I dont really know why i feel this way,
i'm just put off by that now, hahaha.
another topic.... one of my good friends was going to go to Encounter tonight and she ended up telling me at the end of the school day "I dont think i'm going to go to Encounter, it'll take up to much of my weekend."
I dont think i've ever been that sad for one of my friends before. Shes missing out big time.
I love all of you! :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
love everyone; hate noone.
Theres just so much on my mind right now and I am so excited to put it all down.
it is 12:13am when I'm writing this.... and ive never felt better as of this moment.
I just feel, so powerful.
I'm sitting here on facebook and this boy is trying to catch my attention. Of course hes doing it in a negative way, because he dislikes me
and for a minute there... i was really starting to get ticked off by it,
but then i remembered somewhere in the bible it says "love your enemy"
and i started reading more about it
and its all about, LOVING YOUR ENEMY.
and i know that sounds so hard to do
but it just makes so much sense to me now
Jesus Christ; he died for us.
plain and simples. he was tortured and put through so much physical pain for US.
for our sins, for us to live. for us to have the chance to go to heaven!
and how do we repay him? by wars. by hurting other people. by suicide. by hatrid.
what kind of repayment is that?
we cant love our enemies but Jesus, he can die for us?
NO.
thats not right.
so here is my challenge, maybe to you, or one of your friends,
or to whoever reads this blog,
but especially to myself
im going to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me. who ive hurt,
who i just dont like,
who ive judged
EVERYONE.
im just going to forgive them and just, unconditionally love them.
im just going to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE everyone actually~~~~!!!!!!!
ahh. im so happy :)
it is 12:13am when I'm writing this.... and ive never felt better as of this moment.
I just feel, so powerful.
I'm sitting here on facebook and this boy is trying to catch my attention. Of course hes doing it in a negative way, because he dislikes me
and for a minute there... i was really starting to get ticked off by it,
but then i remembered somewhere in the bible it says "love your enemy"
and i started reading more about it
and its all about, LOVING YOUR ENEMY.
and i know that sounds so hard to do
but it just makes so much sense to me now
Jesus Christ; he died for us.
plain and simples. he was tortured and put through so much physical pain for US.
for our sins, for us to live. for us to have the chance to go to heaven!
and how do we repay him? by wars. by hurting other people. by suicide. by hatrid.
what kind of repayment is that?
we cant love our enemies but Jesus, he can die for us?
NO.
thats not right.
so here is my challenge, maybe to you, or one of your friends,
or to whoever reads this blog,
but especially to myself
im going to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me. who ive hurt,
who i just dont like,
who ive judged
EVERYONE.
im just going to forgive them and just, unconditionally love them.
im just going to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE everyone actually~~~~!!!!!!!
ahh. im so happy :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
you are beautiful.
Theres so many things on my mind, i just need to let them escape.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Ohio for the weekend on a church retreat. To be honest... I am so EXCITED and Thrilled! whenever im at church for more than a couple hours... is wear it just changes me into a whole different person,
i just feel like i belong.
and the people im going with!. THEY ARE AMAZING! like the family ive never had! =]
But so...
relationships/love/looks
I used to think that something was wrong with me. I mean, i see all of my friends having boyfriends/girlfriends, and im just like "why can i never get me one of those?"
i used to think, i wasnt pretty enough, or not smart enough, or something along those lines.
But i dont think thats it anymore, because all different types of people are in relationships.
I just think, God is making me wait until i find someone who actually deserves me.
Not one of those boys whose real intentions are to "hit it and quit it."
And i guess im fine with that. I dont want to be just another title to a boy.
I just get frustereated waiting sometimes!
*whoever reads this blog;
you are beautiful.
girls, boys. i dont care who you are. you are truly beautiful. inside and out.
please, do not let anyone else tell you different.
and please, do not think youre not good enough.
ive been there and done that,
and love; trust me,if im good enough, you are good enough.
"I give you a new command: love eachother. you must love each other as i have loved you. All people will know that you are my followers if you love eachother." John 13:34
Tomorrow, I'm going to Ohio for the weekend on a church retreat. To be honest... I am so EXCITED and Thrilled! whenever im at church for more than a couple hours... is wear it just changes me into a whole different person,
i just feel like i belong.
and the people im going with!. THEY ARE AMAZING! like the family ive never had! =]
But so...
relationships/love/looks
I used to think that something was wrong with me. I mean, i see all of my friends having boyfriends/girlfriends, and im just like "why can i never get me one of those?"
i used to think, i wasnt pretty enough, or not smart enough, or something along those lines.
But i dont think thats it anymore, because all different types of people are in relationships.
I just think, God is making me wait until i find someone who actually deserves me.
Not one of those boys whose real intentions are to "hit it and quit it."
And i guess im fine with that. I dont want to be just another title to a boy.
I just get frustereated waiting sometimes!
*whoever reads this blog;
you are beautiful.
girls, boys. i dont care who you are. you are truly beautiful. inside and out.
please, do not let anyone else tell you different.
and please, do not think youre not good enough.
ive been there and done that,
and love; trust me,if im good enough, you are good enough.
"I give you a new command: love eachother. you must love each other as i have loved you. All people will know that you are my followers if you love eachother." John 13:34
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Growing up homeless
She jumped around from house to house,
bags by her side; shed crawl in as quiet as a mouse.
Her mother and brothers are the only thing shes ever had.
And even then, their unconsistency to stay always made her sad.
People left her as quickly as a tornado left its mark in a broken city;
theyd touch down in her life and mess it up only to dissapear,
leaving her to be left out alone in the dark, feeling self pity.
The only thing she knew as home was the brokeness she felt in her heart,
and that led to the scars on her body that now made up her own personal art.
Then He came into her life and made her see that she was safe with Him.
He healed her body from limb to limb
Blessing her with His unconditional love,
she finally found home.
bags by her side; shed crawl in as quiet as a mouse.
Her mother and brothers are the only thing shes ever had.
And even then, their unconsistency to stay always made her sad.
People left her as quickly as a tornado left its mark in a broken city;
theyd touch down in her life and mess it up only to dissapear,
leaving her to be left out alone in the dark, feeling self pity.
The only thing she knew as home was the brokeness she felt in her heart,
and that led to the scars on her body that now made up her own personal art.
Then He came into her life and made her see that she was safe with Him.
He healed her body from limb to limb
Blessing her with His unconditional love,
she finally found home.
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